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I’m avoiding to talk about the future. Especially with him. Why? Because I’m kinda paranoid and unsure about it. Stuffs like, is it true that I’ll stick with him, like forever? Am I well prepared for having kids with him? Will he loves me even when I’m gaining lots of weight and getting bald? Can I keep the straight line with my bad record haunting me from all sides? Will I be able to love him till death do us apart?

I’m scarred in another point of view, meaning: terluka dan meninggalkan bekas. I had a relationship di mana saya dan orang itu sering sekali membicarakan masa depan. Marriage, kids, dreams. But life didn’t exactly what the fairy tales told us when we’re kiddo. Everything shattered, we both hurted each other and finally I leave him. It’s been like five years, but the scar remain in my life as a living proof that talking about the future isn’t really good for your mental health. Hehehe.

So here I am and my on-going-relationship for almost three years with him. Still avoiding talking about the future. If he brought up the subject, I’ll come out with a smile, and if I’m sane enough to blurb about things, I’ll make an excuse. Seperti, Aku masih kontrak dan kayaknya enggak etis buat nikah sekarang.

But you see, I’m human who make mistakes and forget to shield herself.

I was at my late supper with him. As ussual, I didn’t finish my meal. He got upset. And I quoted from myself, “Kalau aku punya anak dan makannya enggak abis. Aku ngomong apa ya? Pasti dia enggak akan dengerin aku. Aku, makannya aja enggak pernah habis.” He said gently, “Kalau gitu kamu makannya dikit aja.”

Shield yang tadi itu runtuh seketika. That small talk become bigger and eventually, delightful. Caranya dia membayangkan bagaimana situasi di meja makan dengan anak-anak laki-lakinya (I don’t know why he always calling his unborn kids with “Abang”, mungkin karena dia laki-laki, ya), membuat saya seketika merasa bahagia. Aneh, khas dia dan otaknya yang gila, tapi I like it.

Lima belas detik kemudian saya semakin terbawa arus dan bilang, “Aku ngapain, dong?” (memosisikan diri sebagai mama) Oops! Bodoh sekali makanya secepat kilat saya bilang, “Maaf, I didn’t mean to.” Dan dia bilang, “Gpp. Kamu memang Mamanya.” Dan blahblahblah tanpa sensor kami berbicara mengenai masa depan, our kids. Kami tertawa sampai dia tersedak. Hahaha. It was fun. Dan, part paling menyeramkan adalah membicarakan nama anak. I’m thinking (and speaking out at him) about Michelle (just like The Beatles’s song) dan dia seperti biasa Van Gogh.

You see, that’s the thing with the future. It makes you stoned and doped. Temporary bliss. As a matter of a fact, it’s only halutination. When your mind is clear enough, you wake up and realize there’s nothing there. Cause the future is only an empty hope.


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