Skip navigation

My son is at my parent house. Today marked one week without him. As you can guess, it felt so quiet without his silly act and contagious laugh. Each time I called him, he asks why did I leave him there. He is angry. 

Little does he knows, that I want him to have a decent break from this big city innuendo. He still has three weeks living without the hassle. It feels like a lifetime for me. And I’m trying to be brave just like he does. One at a time. 


Almost 2 years ago, I sent Attar to my parent house in Bandung. Today the same cycle repeated. Some incidents at his daycare push me to take this decision. He keep saying that I don’t have to go to work, he wants to be together with me. I do too, son.. I really do. But we did not have those privileges. Be patient. I’m gonna pick you up in September or October..  and together we will beat every odds in Jakarta. I just want you to have a decent life once in a while, enjoying childhood without the need to hustle like an adult.. For now, maybe you won’t understand the decision.. But someday maybe you will, and I don’t expect you to fully understand the situation.. 

I miss you already.. Be a good boy at Enin and Aki place ya..  

So, I’ve been spending these past 4 days for testing an apps that is an integration between my company and other company. Their developer came to Jakarta just to solve the development, so we were working side by side. 

I’m not a tech girl. So I was there merely to give moral support for my developer and gave everyone their needs. Starting from food, sharing the archive of developments (both companies change the PIC 3 times)  up to tech requirements by contacting my team (you will find this hard to believe, but communication in this company is complicated). 

The pressure is real, for both companies. And I feel like the burden is start burning me. So, no wonder, I had nightmares 4 days in a row related to the testing. Last night was the worst. Everything was green, each time I click the apps button or the link, I was suck into this jungle with so many ghosts. It was so scary, that I scream and having panic attack when I know my husband is not in bed. 

Well.. Aside from the dreadful testing (can’t imagine how was my developer feeling.. Poor him, and I’m basically useless).. I enjoy the testing too. S and G are such a good companion. All these time, I only met them through Hangouts. S turns out to be so naive and optimistic guy, G is laid back yet a good communicator. 

Funny thing happen when S tried to order vegetarian food and the restaurant didn’t have the food that he wanted. It’s so ironic, because he built the apps. And the next day, he told me he will go to Bali. I’m so excited to hear this and at the same time, I feel worried. It’s like his my son. Lol. I know you will find this unbelievable, but he’s far too nice that I’m worried some people would make advantage of him and other developers. 

“So, Astrid.. I’m going to Bali with Lion. I heard that airline is not that good.” I’m trying to chill, and said, “Well.. The airline mostly delay.” He explained to me that he has connecting flight to Bangalore, and it would make everything a mess, if he miss the flight due to delay. 

On lunch, G told me that he was answering S questions by saying, “Well the airline is good, but sometimes they crash.” OMG Glenn đŸ˜”đŸ˜”đŸ˜” 

So, when we finally have to bid adieu.. I said so many wejangan to S. For example, do not buy mushrooms lol, try Arak Bali, how to pick a cab in the airport, how  to choose money changer. Lol. Hope everything is went well for the Indian boys. And they have fun as they are working so hard these past 4 days. 

It was almost 12 years ago when we first met. I went to your gigs as an assignment from my boss, feeling annoyed because 1) I had fever 2) I didn’t like your band. 

I didn’t know your name. But a friend of mine seems bit too excited and she asked me to help her to have a picture with the band. And you’re the only one who accepted the request. 

Do you remember all of the silly questions you asked me? And I was so annoyed by your friendliness. 

Then we met again. I brought my tele, and while I was trying to capture the moment your band playing the songs, you gave me the big smile. At that time, it felt different. It was like your happiness is so contagious and I smile back at you. 

Through many hiccups in our relationships, these ridiculous  moments keep intact in my mind:

1) When you forgot to pick me up from Gambir because you play football  and I was crying in bajaj,  feeling like shit..

2) When you were having motorcycle accident and didn’t pick up my call because I was with somebody else..  

And now here we are. Do you remember when we didn’t have any penny left after our wedding reception? It felt so bitter back in the days, and looking where we stand right now.. it felt so content. 

We are so different, and many times it is so exhausting.. But when we finally make amends with ourselves for the sake of our son, I know that we were made to compliment our flaws. 

I love you, Al.. 

I used to have that odd feeling. Back in the days, Bobo Magazine were the hottest thing in my life (before Gadis or Kawanku took the honour). There is a 2 pages of short story, that I love to read. Each edition has different story. But the sense remains the same. Warmth and peaceful. It was like I were there, experiencing what the characters had. 

Blissful afternoon. That’s what I called those sense. 

The same sense rushing to my vein each time I saw an art deco architecture. Those old houses  near Pasteur, with street named after good deeds, bring back memories I’ve never had. 

And lately, I remember 11 years ago almost each weekend I travel to Jakarta. Blora. Just to see him. I don’t know why those memories come up again. Probably because we’re having our wedding anniversary in couple of days.. Maybe.

I stop at Blora. Waiting for him to pick me up. Sometimes we went to Tebet, or Brawijaya. Riding his yellow motorcycle or brown vespa. Experiencing Jakarta in the afternoon with him. Traffic jam and pollution even felt romantic. Yes I’m a hopeless romantic. 

And first pitstop is Brawijaya. Big house, lush with greenery, dark, and lots of people were there. It was a studio after all. We were spent hours in the studio, with me doing nothing aside from waiting for him to wrap up his band recording session, which mostly ended up past midnight. 

Then we off to Tebet. His band basecamp. Another second story room. Old tube, worn out DVD, dusty fan, and super hot. 

Each travel eventually must end with us saying goodbye. He’s usually cool and just leave me at Blora. But me, I’m suck at goodbye. Sometimes I cried. And whoever sat beside me, must be confused lol. 

Blissful afternoon. Everything gonna be fine. Feel the warmth. Maybe it’s your heart telling you that everything gonna be fine. 

A friend of mine is going through a divorce. Messy, I suppose, judging from the way she handled her social media. I’m sad for their children, although some of my friend’s children are turn out to be the bigger person in the whole devastating process. 

Then it got me thinking, does every divorce has to be messy? To be honest, once in a while I’m thinking about taking divorce, and quite frankly I feel liberated. I have the utmost confidence that I’m gonna be okay shall I join the same road. 

The cost of divorce is not cheap either. I Google and found that a lawyer could cost you approximately IDR 25 mio. A  good one cost much bigger fortune, IDR 65 mio. Aside from the expenses, you also have to sacrifice your time to deal with the process itself. 

Some of my friend made a deal to not to come to the trial in order to speed up the process. Mom said that’s the best way to have a divorce. 

Anyway.. Just what I mentioned above, that adult on their divorce process, most of the times turn out to be childish. I have one friend who up until now (6 years I guess) haven’t told his parents that he and his ex is no longer bound by marriage. Another decided to post each gruesome facts about his soon to be wife in the social media. Not to mention those who keep their child from their mother or father.. 

How about the child!? Well, apparently they are okay. At least in the surface. And I’m thanking God for giving those little pure soul such a big heart. Being the shoulder to cry on for their parents, being a diligent student at school. And most importantly, it’s business as usual, yep being a happy kid. 

And now the big question is do I feel I need to have a divorce. Not now I guess. Though sometimes, this marriage feels more like a torture, I think my pain tolerance is still bearable. Yet I have an exit plan, on how to do the divorce, how to have a life post divorce, etc. 

For some people, it will be considered to speak ill. But for me, prep is what makes everything on track and I find comfort in order. As my mom said, nothing immortal in this world, including your husband love for you.. 

My whole life, I’m an average, that’s why I must strive harder to achieve my goals. 

So, last year I’ve been thinking about owning a house. Some say I’m ungrateful because I already live in an apartment with strategic location. Which is understandable. If I didn’t know my life, I would’ve judge myself that way. 

Anyway, the journey of having house is like riding a rollercoaster. One minute your excited, full of hope, and next you found yourself so stressed out and hopeless. 

You see the brochure or website with 3D design that is so adorable that you wish you have a fairy God Mother besides you. 

You know it’s pricey, you know exactly how much you make for a month and how many that you spend, you know how much your house credit limit. Tap on shoulder, and out of nowhere you hear someone said, “Ah you gonna be alright, the bank will approve.” Then logic decide to say hello, slap you in the face, he said, “Girl, you better wake up.”

How am I feeling when I see the show unit? Well, multiply those imaginary voices in my head. Okay, wait.. Even when I see is an empty land with 18-months-of-building-process.. Those words keep moving back and forth. 

I’m conflicted.

Al. Yep, my beloved easy breezy husband asked me, “Can we wait a year or two? Why rushing all this things?” I know I know, but I’m 33. I only have 22 years to be able have a house loan, and as ridiculous as it seems..  for once I would like to have something on my own. I want my mom and dad could spend their free time in a decent house. I want my son to have a better environment. I hate seeing him experiencing traffic jam since 2 years old. I want a house that truly can be our home. 

And he’s been so cooperative, thankfully. He managed his taxes and surveying the cluster. I love you, Al. 

Anyway, eventually the bank reject our last hope, join income. Housing is a real hell hole. For someone like my husband, he is considered ineligible to have house loan through bank. He has to do it through couple of installment phase. Which is way more difficult for us. 

So now, time for reality check. Lowering my dream house standard a bit, prioritizing access through location and nearby daycare. Oh and also, not to be trapped with real estate sugar coated promises (again). 

Wish me luck! Coz my luck is nowhere near. 

I enjoy me time by scrolling timeline. Whether it’s Facebook, Twitter, Path. It’s fascinating how we could see so many minds collide virtually. We didn’t have to ask their opinion since everyone share their opinions. The haters, the lovers, the wise, the neutral, the list could go on and on. 

I change my vote from Ahok to no vote at all just because I see how mean his lovers are. Some even calling them Bani Ahok, which I think it’s suits them. They treat Ahok like some kind of prophet and they act holier than thou. 

Well, actually.. My resentment to Ahok started because of his leadership. As a corporate slave, I know exactly how vicious words (not to mention his staff record and publish those actions in YouTube ) won’t get u respect. Never in my million you will get respect by belittle your employee. 

And his buzzer keeps buzzing and stinging. Spreading hatred for money. Yuck. 

Couple days and weeks ago, Aksi Bela Islam held in Jakarta. I used to hate demonstration. But then timeline scrolling open up my mind..  that the rally is one of the consequences of democracy. So, I lower my ego. I now know for sure anyone could have opinion, we are free to express ourselves. Freedom of speech. 

And I cried when I saw Jokowi didn’t event have the courage to meet the people. This is ironic. I remember at the beginning of his regime, he told media that he expected to be demonstrated by his people. Yet at the day, he choose to AWOL and tweeted, “Seperti biasa, kerja” while he made visit to airport project whole day. Then he made statement about coup de etat blablabla

Yes he came to his people at the last Aksi Bela Islam. But what did he do actually? Nothing. Some short meaningless speech. 

The world revolves to one vicious person. And I won’t vote for him. I won’t be blinded. 

Once in a blue moon, I had this vivid dream about myself living another life. I remember vividly that I’m married and having a son. And I also remember that I feel guilty for being happy in that 2nd story square room. 

His dad was there. All of his family are there. His crazy dog. And we are there as a couple. We are all having a great time. Just like the old days. I mean, the warmth of his family basically one that I never had. And I feel so lucky to be there. It was like I was escaping from some hell hole. A big relieve. 

An affair? Probably. I mean my upbringing was build around his persona hence I have zero originality when I was with him. Yet I learn so much about life when I was with him. 

There’s no unfinished business with him, but when I woke up from the dream, I often feel some kind of loss. Weird. I guess I’m just longing to have an equal mind in partnership. Someone that’s so stubborn and talented,  reckless, volatile, and intelligent. 

And that square room. The smell. The midi we used to play. The pillow. Star Wars. The computer. Flash. Corel. Red Marlboro. The sheets. Does everything in the square room is still the same? 

Max teaching Caroline Life101

I’ve been watching 2 Broke Girls for a while. At first,I was annoyed by the casts voice. All of them are talking in high pitch mode. But then, I grew fonder of Max. The street-smart girl, who talk bold and loud, and accompanied by two enormous boobs. I swear to God, her girls are BIG and BEAUTIFUL. LOL. 

Anyway.. Max is another definition of: Fun. She has lot of shitty things happen to her, yet she manage to uplift her mood and her surroundings with her attitude. Now I’m not talking about sugar coated talk, she’s truly sarcastic but no one will feel upset with what she said. 

You don’t have to be so dramatic

Kudos to Michael Patrick Kings (Sex and The City, Will and Grace creator) and Whitney Cummings for creating Max Black character. And also the script writer. Oh God, I wonder what the writers eat, drink, and smoke. 

Deke took Max to his place. Dumpster or a very minimalist rustic studio apartment lol. And Max more than happy to get the third base with him. 

And Max, a fictional character taught me to laugh at each silly decision you made. Life sucks but at least you can just laugh it off. 

%d bloggers like this: