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My whole life, I’m an average, that’s why I must strive harder to achieve my goals. 

So, last year I’ve been thinking about owning a house. Some say I’m ungrateful because I already live in an apartment with strategic location. Which is understandable. If I didn’t know my life, I would’ve judge myself that way. 

Anyway, the journey of having house is like riding a rollercoaster. One minute your excited, full of hope, and next you found yourself so stressed out and hopeless. 

You see the brochure or website with 3D design that is so adorable that you wish you have a fairy God Mother besides you. 

You know it’s pricey, you know exactly how much you make for a month and how many that you spend, you know how much your house credit limit. Tap on shoulder, and out of nowhere you hear someone said, “Ah you gonna be alright, the bank will approve.” Then logic decide to say hello, slap you in the face, he said, “Girl, you better wake up.”

How am I feeling when I see the show unit? Well, multiply those imaginary voices in my head. Okay, wait.. Even when I see is an empty land with 18-months-of-building-process.. Those words keep moving back and forth. 

I’m conflicted.

Al. Yep, my beloved easy breezy husband asked me, “Can we wait a year or two? Why rushing all this things?” I know I know, but I’m 33. I only have 22 years to be able have a house loan, and as ridiculous as it seems..  for once I would like to have something on my own. I want my mom and dad could spend their free time in a decent house. I want my son to have a better environment. I hate seeing him experiencing traffic jam since 2 years old. I want a house that truly can be our home. 

And he’s been so cooperative, thankfully. He managed his taxes and surveying the cluster. I love you, Al. 

Anyway, eventually the bank reject our last hope, join income. Housing is a real hell hole. For someone like my husband, he is considered ineligible to have house loan through bank. He has to do it through couple of installment phase. Which is way more difficult for us. 

So now, time for reality check. Lowering my dream house standard a bit, prioritizing access through location and nearby daycare. Oh and also, not to be trapped with real estate sugar coated promises (again). 

Wish me luck! Coz my luck is nowhere near. 

I enjoy me time by scrolling timeline. Whether it’s Facebook, Twitter, Path. It’s fascinating how we could see so many minds collide virtually. We didn’t have to ask their opinion since everyone share their opinions. The haters, the lovers, the wise, the neutral, the list could go on and on. 

I change my vote from Ahok to no vote at all just because I see how mean his lovers are. Some even calling them Bani Ahok, which I think it’s suits them. They treat Ahok like some kind of prophet and they act holier than thou. 

Well, actually.. My resentment to Ahok started because of his leadership. As a corporate slave, I know exactly how vicious words (not to mention his staff record and publish those actions in YouTube ) won’t get u respect. Never in my million you will get respect by belittle your employee. 

And his buzzer keeps buzzing and stinging. Spreading hatred for money. Yuck. 

Couple days and weeks ago, Aksi Bela Islam held in Jakarta. I used to hate demonstration. But then timeline scrolling open up my mind..  that the rally is one of the consequences of democracy. So, I lower my ego. I now know for sure anyone could have opinion, we are free to express ourselves. Freedom of speech. 

And I cried when I saw Jokowi didn’t event have the courage to meet the people. This is ironic. I remember at the beginning of his regime, he told media that he expected to be demonstrated by his people. Yet at the day, he choose to AWOL and tweeted, “Seperti biasa, kerja” while he made visit to airport project whole day. Then he made statement about coup de etat blablabla

Yes he came to his people at the last Aksi Bela Islam. But what did he do actually? Nothing. Some short meaningless speech. 

The world revolves to one vicious person. And I won’t vote for him. I won’t be blinded. 

Once in a blue moon, I had this vivid dream about myself living another life. I remember vividly that I’m married and having a son. And I also remember that I feel guilty for being happy in that 2nd story square room. 

His dad was there. All of his family are there. His crazy dog. And we are there as a couple. We are all having a great time. Just like the old days. I mean, the warmth of his family basically one that I never had. And I feel so lucky to be there. It was like I was escaping from some hell hole. A big relieve. 

An affair? Probably. I mean my upbringing was build around his persona hence I have zero originality when I was with him. Yet I learn so much about life when I was with him. 

There’s no unfinished business with him, but when I woke up from the dream, I often feel some kind of loss. Weird. I guess I’m just longing to have an equal mind in partnership. Someone that’s so stubborn and talented,  reckless, volatile, and intelligent. 

And that square room. The smell. The midi we used to play. The pillow. Star Wars. The computer. Flash. Corel. Red Marlboro. The sheets. Does everything in the square room is still the same? 

Max teaching Caroline Life101


I’ve been watching 2 Broke Girls for a while. At first,I was annoyed by the casts voice. All of them are talking in high pitch mode. But then, I grew fonder of Max. The street-smart girl, who talk bold and loud, and accompanied by two enormous boobs. I swear to God, her girls are BIG and BEAUTIFUL. LOL. 


Anyway.. Max is another definition of: Fun. She has lot of shitty things happen to her, yet she manage to uplift her mood and her surroundings with her attitude. Now I’m not talking about sugar coated talk, she’s truly sarcastic but no one will feel upset with what she said. 

You don’t have to be so dramatic


Kudos to Michael Patrick Kings (Sex and The City, Will and Grace creator) and Whitney Cummings for creating Max Black character. And also the script writer. Oh God, I wonder what the writers eat, drink, and smoke. 

Deke took Max to his place. Dumpster or a very minimalist rustic studio apartment lol. And Max more than happy to get the third base with him. 


And Max, a fictional character taught me to laugh at each silly decision you made. Life sucks but at least you can just laugh it off. 

These couple of months have been rough. I wish I could pull eenie meenie miney mo or undo crucial decision I made couple years ago. 

But life rarely fair. And, actually,  that give us chance to try harder each time we stumble. If we look at it in a positive way.. Lol. Right now, I’m bitter and.. Well, I’m always bitter. 

Hopefully both myself and my son will be alright shall I finally decide what’s best and what’s next for us. 

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Most people told me that I tend to complicate everything. Some said I’m exaggerated. I’m not the type of person who dare to talk back. So, I prefer to just smile.

I remember Sang In famously said that when people told her not to over-thinking stuff, she tends to think not to over-thinking stuff. Hence, the issue is more complicated. That’s what I feel all the time.

In my head, there are lot of worst case scenario. So many what if. Dozen of fears. Countless anxiety. And it’s so overwhelming.

Anxiety. I know the term so well yet I have no clue on how to solve the depressing feeling.

Many times I dare myself just to leave everything behind. Focus on my baby. Go back to what I’m good at, which is writing. But to raise a baby, I need money and what I got from writing maybe adequate if I am still single or having a rich husband to support our expenses.

We are struggling. Both me and my husband. And I don’t have the courage to let him as the sole breadwinner. I just don’t.. Because I know the number. And I can’t let my mother having another breakdown because I’m choosing to be  a stay home mom. I just can’t..

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My son is so unimpressed when I'm "driving"


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Jennifer Aniston in Vanity Fair

The excerpt above is captured from Jennifer Aniston first interview post her divorce in which she mentioned her ex is losing sensitivity chip.

I think this is the second time I read the piece. It was triggered after I read Jennifer Garner (also) first interview after her divorce with some man she dubbed ‘complicated’.

No. I’m not going to talk about marriage. It’s their words that makes my thumbs finally tapping into button of alphabets.

It’s not exactly the best days at work. So much pressure and high expectations yet so many lousy people who barely do their job. Yes, the usual corporate slave complain.

But then, as I recall what my husband years ago.. At time when I feel so desperate dealing with work..

“There will be far more excruciating phase at life, in the future, that you will have to go through. Consider all the hassle as your training.. To make you stronger.”

Of course at that time, I was pissed off listening to him. An artist and his own boss who never endured the beauty of corporate life.

“Ugh. Please, don’t lecture me stuff you didn’t know,” I said.

But his words perfectly stamped in my memory. Everytime I have a bad day, I rephrase his words, reminding myself that I will pull through this. Because I know I take my work seriously and I’m good at what I do. I get things done. I’m proven.

Well, okay.. I cry a bit in the toilet in the toughest time, I won’t lie. A little bruised, but I’m okay.

Dalam hidup, saya memberi kesempatan kepada diri sendiri sebanyak 3 kali. Bila kali ketiga memberi hasil mengecewakan, saya memutuskan berpaling.

Ketika kita terlalu banyak memberi kesempatan kepada seseorang atau sesuatu, kitalah yang akhirnya menjadi bual-bualan. Mencoba membuat seseorang menyukai kita dengan mengubah diri, misalnya.

Saya bersyukur berhenti melakukannya saat memasuki umur 20 tahun.

Buat apa coba? Malah enggak happy. Kosong melompong. Makanya saya enggak pernah pengen masuk clique apa pun kalau ga klik. Lebih baik hanya bertahan di fase hello-goodbye-friend. If there any such things. Alhasil teman saya sedikiiiit sekali. Satu-satunya sahabat yang saya miliki hanya suami. Ehm, kalau itu masuk kategori ya.

Memasuki usia 30, saya punya julukan baru buat diri sendiri. Manusia tidak berkeinginan. Having my novel published? Oh baby, it’s been written off my list. Mengejar karier di perusahaan besar itu? Rubbish. Working late, on weekend, or after office hour? I rather cuddling and kissing my baby.

Manusia tidak berkeinginan ini juga sudah berhenti berdebat.
Kadang saya suka gemes dengan orang yang berulang kali menceramahi hal yang sebenarnya saya sudah tahu. Saya memilih jawaban default semacam, “Oh gitu..”, “Iya, yaaa..”

BERES.

Ketika diceramahi, saya merasa orang tersebut sedang menyesali pilihannya dan dia tidak ingin saya melakukan hal serupa. Atau, ketika orang bertanya “pengalaman pribadi”, ada orang yang malah berlomba-lomba menjadi korban. “Eh hidup gue lebih susah daripada lo,” atau, “Ih, gue sih ga gitu ya, Alhamdulillah.”

Honey, aint u asked me first about MY experience, MY view?

Well, kalau dipikir-pikir, usia makin bertambah membuat saya makin menahan diri. Tentu saja, gemes masih ada di hati. Tapi, selebihnya saya tidak mau membuang energi untuk beberapa jenis orang di dunia ini.

Di hidup baru ini (baca: pekerjaan), saya menyukainya karena beban yang enteng. Segelintir orang yang bebal hanya membuat kesal, tapi tidak menimbulkan keinginan untuk memperbaiki atau berbaik hati.

I simply simplify my life.

Pregnancy makes me do imposibble thing.
I quit smoking and drinking coffee. Routines that I did everyday and help me through days and nights. I dont have social life, I’m a homebody. I mean I have couple of friends, but that’s it. We meet occasionally, due to our hectic schedule. Mingling ain’t mandatory in my life. I get bored easily in a crowded place. That’s more his thing. I like being at home, watching tv, or simply just surfing the internet.

But now, with a hard-to-please-baby in my arm, everything change. Well, basically my whole life is changing. And it suck. Now I know how precious is social life, or to be exact.. Me time. I miss sitting alone in a cafe while enjoying my cup of cappucinno and smoking my white lights. Well, I can do the first and second, maybe I need to wait for 2 years to do the latter. I have maid. She can take care my baby for one to two hours, but I can’t let that happen. My heart won’t.

Everytime I would do that.. I see my baby and my heart sunk. I’m on maternity leave, it’s like a ticking bomb, because it’s so short. I want to have as many times I could with him. But when my husband decide to go out, either work or simply as seeing his friends’s exhibition, I feel jealous.

One day, my baby won’t sleep and he decided to go watching movies with his friends. Some sort of art things and his manager told him so. Off he go, and then pouring rain so hard. Worry me text him, “Ujan!” I said, as a warning for him since the event is held outdoor. In return, he send me picture of him and his girl friend wearing rain coat, all wet, and looks so happy. WOW! I am mad as hell. He’s out there having fun. While I’m here with crying baby that won’t sleep. It’s so unfair. And I cry.

You see, that’s the thing. No matter how hard I’m denying, it’s true. Having child will make marriage feel like a job. Harsh reality. Everynight you lack of sleep, trying to put baby to sleep in his own crib (this is hard to do) while he’s sleeping until daylight. And off he go meeting friends. He ask me not to smoke, while he puff ciggie. He told me to use cloth diaper which makes me change it lot of time and it’s tiring, while he’s there chatting with his friends talking about work and fun things.

Unfair. Unfair. Unfair.

Today he’s going to another art exhibition. Maybe I just cant stand it anymore, so I said harsh thing, while our maid was there. He’s mad. Well I’m mad also. And now we’re not talking to each other. Very mature, eh!

Well, that’s the story for tonight.

And yes, you’re welcome future self.

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